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May 29, 2010

Okay, so it's been about a year since I've updated this.  In my defense, I genuinely thought I didn't have anything important to say.  (I still technically don't.)  But unlike everyone else with a blog, having nothing to say actually stops me from writing.  But when my main source of TV pleasure ends its run, I write.

LOST

One of the greatest shows in TV history ended last night.  It was full of mystery, giant freaky monsters, and it left a lot of people surprised by the ending.  I’m talking about the Celebrity Apprentice!  No, of course not.  I’m talking about LOST.  I get why a lot of people hated it, but I thought it was great.  I thought it wrapped up the story nicely and gave us an actual ending, which can’t be said for Seinfeld or The Sopranos.  I think that if you went to work today with a list of things that didn’t get resolved, stop being a nerd!  (nerd voice)  Um…they never told us what happened to the girl in the blue and white striped shirt who was one of the survivors…stop it.  You’re missing the point of the show.  From the first 5 minutes of the show, you knew it was a show about mystery.  What’s the fun of a mystery?  NOT knowing.  Talking about it.  Figuring it out.  Following the clues.  Watch the show again and I bet it’ll be just as satisfying. 

That being said, two other landmark shows are coming to an end TONIGHT.  Jack Bauer rides off into the sunset tonight on 24 and NBC gives an unceremonial send-off to Law & Order.  I’ve never seen 24, so I don’t care about it at all, but to not give Law & Order the same kind of treatment Lost got last night is just plain wrong.  It’s the longest-running show in TV history and it’s on 24 hours a day in syndication…to just let it fade away is ludicrous.  NBC’s going to start another Law & Order spinoff in the fall: Law & Order Los Angeles, which should be pretty good, but there really is only one original.  It’s like Dairy Queen not carrying Vanilla ice cream…sure, other flavors are popular, but vanilla is now and will always be in demand.  Bad decision by NBC…shame on you, Peacock.

 

May 20, 2009

Okay, so I haven't written in a long time.  But in my defense, I've been through a lot in the last few months and as of right now, I'm still moving.  So, just so no one feels neglected, here are a few random thoughts.

--If GM and Chrysler are chugging along burning billions of dollars in cash every few months and the government keeps writing them a check, why aren't I allowed to miss a car payment?  Where's the Dave DiRienzo bailout?  I'll be more than happy to sit in front of a congressional subcommittee and answer questions if it means that I'll have a bunch of cool things in my new house...

--So the warm weather is here again.  You know what that means, don't you?  That's right...ANOTHER summer where the most exciting thing in sports is watching the New York Mets slowly fade out of a division race. 

--You never know how poor you are until you start dating someone who makes more than you. 

--Best album I've listened to recently?  The new album from The Derek Trucks Band called "Already Free".  Check it out...here.

--Rumors of a concert I'll be more than interested in have started surfacing.  To say that I'm excited is to say that Mike Tyson is a little crazy.  Details to follow--hopefully.

--I got a cat.  I named him Jack Daniels.  Does that mean I'm an animal lover or an alcoholic?

--American Idol.  I don't get it.  A karaoke contest hosted by a leather-skinned hack is the most-watched thing in America?  Really?  Can someone explain this to me?  Then again, never mind.  Anytime I start to hear about American Idol, I start yawning.

--The same goes for Twitter.

--Lately I've become obsessed with watching Judge Judy.  It makes me feel better about myself.

I'll have better-developed thoughts when all my stuff is under the same roof.  Until then, shoot me an email at daved@rock107.com.

Later Doods!

 

January 27, 2009 

NEWS YOU NEED
 
Hours before a meeting with President Barack Obama, Congressional Republicans tried to rally opposition to a White House-backed economic stimulus measure with an $825 billion price tag. Reps. John Boehner of Ohio and Eric Cantor of Virginia said the legislation contains too much wasteful spending that will not help the economy recover from its worst nosedive since the Great Depression. The Republicans favor a plan that involves spending most of the billions of dollars of governmental bailout money on tax cuts, which is a bit like trying to get yourself out of a hole by grabbing a shovel and trying to see if you can get to China…which, coincidentally, is where most of our money has come from in recent years.
 
At banks that are receiving federal bailout money, nearly nine out of every 10 of the most senior executives from 2006 are still on the job, according to an Associated Press analysis of regulatory and company documents. This means that the same executives who were at the controls as the banking system nearly collapsed are the ones the government is counting on to help save it. Less fortunate are more than 100,000 bank employees laid off during a two-year stretch when industry unemployment nearly tripled, bank stocks plummeted and credit dried up. As a consolation for losing their income, most of the laid off workers have been offered toasters and interest-free checking accounts.
 
The octuplets recently born to a mother in Southern California are doing "very, very well" and breathing on their own. The newborns are the second live octuplets born in U.S. history with six boys and two girls. Surprisingly, the eighth baby was a complete surprise to the parents and doctors who had been expecting only seven children. The parents are taking comfort in the fact that their babies are doing well…in spite of trusting so-called doctors who can’t count to eight.
 
And that’s…THE NEWS YOU NEED!

 

 

 

August 10, 2008 - Olympic Fever 

 

I carry torch for the Olympics.
 
The prospect of the entire world coming together in a peaceful frame of mind and figuring out exactly who’s the best at their respective sport appeals to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I really don’t care who wins and I can only name a handful of Olympic athletes at any given moment, so it’s not like this is a life-changing thing for me—I just love the spectacle of it all.
 
My first conscious Olympic-related memory involves walking into Mrs. Thomas’ second grade classroom and hearing about the Olympic diver who smacked his head off the diving board and bled into the water. I rushed home after school and, sure enough, there was the footage on the screen. It was horribly graphic (especially in super slo-mo) and it was repeated over and over again until I could barely stomach another viewing. Since it was probably the coolest thing that I’d seen to that point in my life, naturally I wanted to watch it again as soon as it finished. 
 
After that, I watched every moment of televised Olympic coverage I could find. I loved sports by then, but it was more than that—it was also history. And tradition. And geography. For a seven year old kid whose grandmother lived an entire world away (Kalamazoo, Michigan) this was my first exposure to a culture that didn’t have McDonald’s. They didn’t have McDonald’s! It boggled my young impressionable mind. But that wasn’t the only thing.
 
For a seven year I was mesmerized by athletes of all shapes and colors doing things I’d never seen before. (I still don’t know who thought up the triple jump. Probably a group of bored third-graders, actually.) In the days before instant results on the Internet, it was refreshing to watch the tape-delayed events and actually be surprised by the results. When the closing ceremonies happened, I started looking forward to the next Olympics and was devastated to learn that I’d have to wait another FOUR YEARS for the next games to be held in Barcelona. For a seven year old, that was literally more than half of my life away. Yuck.
 
Finally, when 1992 rolled around, I got a double dose of Olympics. The Winter Olympics were held in a place that, by then, I’d heard of—France. (Maybe I’d never heard of Albertville, but I’d definitely heard of France, specifically Paris, since it was the setting of one of my favorite movies at that time. I corrected people when they pronounced the “t” in Albertville because that’s they way I’d heard the TV announcers say it. I was such a know-it-all back then. Fortunately, I’m much better now.) 
 
I proudly waved my flag and rooted for the token American in whatever event was on that night. I was confused by my sympathetic loathing for the Soviet Unified Team. (Sad that they didn’t really have a national identity yet, but pissed off that they seemed to win everything. Well, them and the Germans. Curl your lip when you say “Germans “and you’ll be in the right frame of mind.)
 
That summer was even cooler. The Barcelona games started in the coolest way imaginable.  Someone shooting a flaming arrow into the sky to light the torch?!? Unbelievable! I don’t remember a damn thing about the Barcelona games other than the opening ceremonies, but frankly, I don’t have to. That was enough memory for me.
 
I’d only have to wait two more years for another Olympic games. (The IOC started staggering the Winter and Summer games so that we’d have an Olympics every two years starting in 1994.) The whole Nancy Kerrigan/Tanya Harding thing overshadowed the Lillehammer games, but the biggest thing I remember about that is the luge. I watched the luge in sheer disbelief that a human being would voluntarily go that fast on a sled with nothing but a thin layer of spandex and a helmet separating them from certain death. I should be clear—I’m talking about singles luge. Doubles luge is just creepy. Besides, the whole thing was in Norway and I was at that special age where the word “Norwegian” evoked images of something like this…
 
I hit my Olympic-watching peak in 1996 when the Summer games were in Atlanta. My national pride was at an all-time high when the women’s gymnastics team won the All-Around competition. And It wasn’t just because I had nightly dreams about Amanda Borden. (I was about her age…it wasn’t creepy at all. I keep telling myself that. And her lawyers.) Plus, it was fun to try to pronouce names like Li Xiaoshuang and Ioannis Melissanidis. Brooke Bennett and Jenny Thompson kept me glued to the swimming events. I had yet to see “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, but I knew exactly what Judge Reinhold was thinking when he saw Phoebe Cates get out of the pool. And besides that, there was explosive intrigue with the Olympic Park bombing incident.
 
Soon after that, the world changed. 1998’s Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan featured something that I wasn’t used to—spoilers. The press, in an effort to “scoop” the internet, would break into regularly scheduled programming to let people know that an American had won a medal and that the entire event could be seen in its entirety that night. To their credit, they didn’t say which medal was won, so they didn’t completely ruin it, but it’s like someone telling you while you’re standing in line to see “The Empire Strikes Back” that Darth Vader fathered a child and that the paternity results would be revealed at the end of the movie. It lost its magic. The 2000 Summer games were just as bad because Australia was so far ahead of us with the time zone setup, I wasn’t in the mood to find out what happened yesterday in the games.
 
I thought there would be a little redemption with the 2002 Winter Games in Salt Lake City, and for a brief while there was. I liked the fact that while America was still reeling from the events on the preceding September 11th, the world showed up and mourned with us.  I appreciated the support and once the games started, I felt better. My own personal highlight reel included a never-ending loop of Jamie Sale, Doriane Vidal, and Fabienne Reuteler. Once again, “news” organizations were still trying to trump the internet and we knew…“Sarah Hughes wins Olympic gold! See her winning performance tonight on the 2002 Winter games on NBC!” Bullshit. Then, the network brass had the audacity to bitch about the fact that ratings for these games were down. No shit! YOU told us who was going to win your keystone event before it happened!  Kiss played the closing ceremonies, which pretty much summed up how I felt about the games.  What...*NSync wasn't available? 
 
I tried to get into the Summer games in 2004 in Athens, but real life kept getting in the way. I had a job, one that interfered with television-watching habits. The media had figured out that the people who wanted instant satisfaction could find out who won each event on their own and those who wanted to be surprised could just watch the tape-delayed games. NBC also spread their coverage of the games over a family of networks so that the people who wanted to see “Days of Our Lives” weren’t disappointed. 
 
The thing that bothered me about these games were the “Special Interest” stories between events. Bob Costas does an incredible job of profiling notable Olympians right before they were shown competing. For some reason, that subtle art of the compelling video interview has since given way to a barrage of cheesy fluff pieces. It’s the difference between a fine steak made by a master chef and a cheeseburger prepared by an acne-prone 16 year old.
 
I concentrated on one event during the 2006 Winter games—Curling. Its strategic aspect made it very pure to me. Well, that, and Team USA’s Skip Cassie Johnson (and her twin sister Jamie) kept me glued to the screen for hours on end.
 
Here it is, the beginning of a new Olympiad. As the world focuses on Beijing and all the baggage that comes along with hosting an event of this magnitude in the world’s last Communist super-power, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s so important about the Olympics. For two weeks, we all try to forget about the fact that many nations at each others throats usually leads to death instead of medal counts. We put our differences aside and figure out who’s the best at their respective discipline. We salute the people who have worked their entire lives to be given one chance to prove that it was all worthwhile. And even when someone else is on the podium, we stand up and respectfully admit that they were better while their national anthem plays. Because that’s what civilized people do.
 
Well, that…and check out hot chicks from around the world.

 

 

 

 

 

July 16, 2008 - Piano Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 16, 2008 - Summertime!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PREGAME SHOW

 

Ryan Seacrest sucking up to celebs...when did the Super Bowl switch over from Fox to E!?

 

Alicia Keys does a montage of her greatest hits.  Somehow, all six inches of her caked-on makeup defies gravity and stays on her face.

 

Did you know that Terry Bradshaw has four Super Bowl rings?  Did you know that Tom Brady has three and is playing for his fourth today?  Did you know that they have the same initials?  WOW!  (But they don’t have the same haircut!)

 

Super Bowl 42

 

619pm

Missing the National Anthem because we were eating dinner.  This Super Bowl is going to be on a slight time delay!  Three cheers for DVR technology!

 

629pm

Rewound and watched the National Anthem.  It was okay, but a bit slow.  Jordin Sparks really needs to remember that being asked to sing the National Anthem is an honor and should be humbling—it’s a chance to prmote the country, it’s not a chance for you to promote yourself.  That was followed by the first bad movie preview commercial.  Drillbit Norton or something.  Owen Wilson...why are you doing this to us?

 

631pm

Chase credit card commercial “Secret Agent Man”.  Love that song...at least I used to.  For this and all commercials, I’m using a classic 1-5 ranking with 1 being the worst and 5 being the best.  This one scored a 2 out of 5. 

 

632pm

Dell “Wrecking Ball” commercial.  Taking wrecking ball to old computers and I ask you...who hasn’t wanted to do that?  3.5 out of 5.

 

633

Built Ford Tough Pre-kick show.  Aren’t we getting just a tad carried away with the sponsorships?  What’s next?  We’ve pretty much run out of sponsor able things—maybe we’ll start with presentations.  “The Built Ford Tough Pregame show, presented by Gatorade!”

 

635

Roof is closed and will stay closed, Fox’s Joe Buck tells us.  I don’t like Joe Buck in regular season games, I can only imagine how much he’s going to piss me off today. 

 

636

The NFL is bestowing the Walter Payton award for community service upon Miami Dolphins defensive lineman Jason Tayolor.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Payton’s widow were there for the presentation.  A nice moment, and America gets reminded of the ‘85 Bears, so I’m happy.  After that, it’s time for the coin toss, with the teams surrounded by people associated with late 49ers coach Bill Walsh--Walsh’s son, Ronnie Lott, Steve Young, and Jerry Rice.  The usually-fair Mike Carey is our referee for today, which is fine with me.  Ronnie Lott tosses the coin after the Giants call tails and...tails it is.  Giants take the ball.  Something tells me, as the camera pans to Eli Manning looking nervous that they’ll give it back after three downs.  (Two runs for four yards, an incomplete pass, and a punt.)

 

637

3:24 until kickoff!  Just enough time for a House commercial and other Fox promos!  House is saving someone long-distance tonight…in Antarctica!  Troy Aikman tells us that winning the Super Bowl means “football immortality”.  Really Troy?  Immortality?  Super Bowl winners become immortal?  Then how come we don’t see guys with rings on their fingers living forever?  Maybe the Hollywood Writers’ strike is really making everyone go crazy with the hyperbole.  Is he done yet?  Frankly, I’d rather if they just PLAYED THE DAMN GAME ALREADY!

 

639

Sideline shot of Tom Brady, with Matt Cassel next to him.  Here’s a horrifying thought for Pats fans—with Brady’s questionable ankle, they’re one snap away from Matt Cassel defending their perfect season.

 

641

KICKOFF!  It’s about time...only two weeks after the entire country wanted it to.  Enough hype—it’s go time.  Kick was run back to the 23 yard line...how many thousands of dollars changed hands because the run went to the 23 yard line.  “23!  Who had 23?”

 

642

Two handoffs by the Giants for a gain of four yards total.  Hey, at least Eli didn’t throw an interception yet...

 

643

Holy crap, a Giant first down with an Eli 3rd down pass.  He doesn’t look TOO nervous…maybe that’s a good sign for Giants fans.

 

644

Holy crap, another 3rd down conversion by Eli Manning.  That’s two in a row!  Could it be that he’s turned a corner?  Nah, can’t be.  Two Pats secondary members are injured on the same play.  Well, at least we know how the Giants can actually win the game...if they play the Pats practice squad.

 

645

Bud Light fire breather commercial.  4.5 out of 5.  By the way, why don’t guys in commercials show up clean shaven any more?  Everyone’s got stubble and/or a ridiculous beard.  Even that Bud Light commercial where they went to the opera and the glass bottles broke.  Stubble.  You mean to tell me that the girlfriends would allow their guys to go to the opera unshaven?  Get real.

 

Audi “Old luxury got put on notice” spot.  3.5 out of 5.  They used footage from “The Godfather”, which means they must have made Paramount Pictures an offer they couldn’t refuse.

 

647

Old school running by Brandon Jacobs.  Nice.  Larry Csonka would be proud, and since you know he’s watching with his thumb on the cork of a bottle of Dom Perignon, he’s really happy to see that it’s a Giants running back doing it.  Rodney Harrison’s back after leaving for a play before the break.  I think you’d have to chop both his legs off (not just one) to get him out of this game.  Of course, with all the HGH (allegedly) in his system, he’d probably just grown another one in a half hour.

 

648

A shot of Peyton Manning in a luxury box watching the Super Bowl instead of playing in it.  Finally, some order has returned to a topsy turvy world. (Wonder how he got the tickets…Maybe MasterCard hooked him up or something.) 

 

649

Bellichick’s in a red sweatshirt today.  Really?  That’s the way he wants to be immortalized?  In a scummy sweatshirt he customized with a pair of scissors? 

 

650

Joe Buck—“The Patriots game plan is to get to Eli Manning early and get in his head.”  Joe, listen—if the New York press hasn’t done it by now, no one can.

 

651

Giants are in the red zone after a remarkably nice drive that’s taken up most of the first quarter.  Fox execs are flipping out that they aren’t showing Tom Brady from 14 different angles yet.  This will be the 13th play of the drive and...Manning throws into the end zone and is almost intercepted.  Now that’s the brand of Giants football we’re used to seeing.

 

653

Pats are bending but not breaking.  G-Men settle for a field goal.  3-0 Giants with 6:12 left in the 1st quarter.  The aged Junior Seau walkes off the field and looks exhausted already.  Does he know that there’s 3 quarters of football left? 

 

654

Diet Pepsi Max bobblehead commercial.  3.5 of 5.  And that’s generous because of all the celeb cameos.  Chris Kattan!  How’d they get him?!?!?

 

Salesgenie.com.  Some advertising agency managed to convince them that this was a good idea.  “It’s animated!  It’s got to be good!”  First commercial that made me say “They spent 2 million on that?”  1 out of 5 stars.

 

Fox Promo for Sarah Connor Chronicles.  Yawn.

 

655

Lawrence Moroney returns the kickoff to the 43.  Giants fans, when you’re counting on special teams to keep you in the game and your kicker saves a touchdown, it’s time to start practicing concession speeches.

 

656

Bud Light “hiding beer” commercial.  4 out of 5.  The good people at Anheuser Busch continue their own kind of Super Bowl commercial dominance.  “I’m going out for a cheese run!”

 

Under Armor commercial with Ray Lewis spoofing Orwell’s “1984.”  Most of the literary similarities go unnoticed by people who would WEAR Under Armor.  Unless I’m reading too much into it…nah, that never happens.

 

659

Brady’s first snap--pressured to the extreme and ends up on his back.  Now that’s something that Pats fans don’t want to see...if the celebrated Patriots offensive line can’t slow down this Giants pass rush, it might be a long day…

 

701

Pats first down.  Sounds about right...

 

702

Brady throws a lame duck ball that lands nowhere near anybody.  Is everything okay?  No Gisele Bundschen sightings yet, by the way...we’ll keep you posted.  That reminds me…when will the Victoria’s Secret commercial be on?

 

704

Brady throws a ball high over his receiver’s head.  That ankle really might be bothering him.  Or is that what Bellichick WANTS you to think?

 

706

First penalty of the game is a killer pass interference call against the Giants.  (Pass interference!  Who had pass interference?”)  One thing you don’t want to do is give the Pats more chances to score touchdowns instead of field goals.  This will haunt them.

 

707

First quarter finishes with the Giants leading 3-0. 

 

708

Bridgestone “screaming” commercial.  3 out of 5.  A few good commercials, but no real standouts yet.

 

Winner of the Doritos “Crash the Super Bowl” contest is a girl named Kina Grannis.  A girl with a guitar and a dream.  Know what?  That was endearing in the 60’s really “been there done that” in 2008.  It seems like every time you turn on the radio, there’s another girl with a guitar and really deep feelings she wants you to know about.

 

 

710

We’ve just learned that there were only two possessions in the first quarter—the fewest in Super Bowl history.  Pats start the second quarter by scoring a Lawrence Moroney touchdown to take the lead.  That’s what happens when there’s a pass interference call to keep a Pats drive alive.

 

711

Angelina Jolie “Wanted” movie commercial.  In spite of Angelina being in the movie, it actually looks interesting.

 

Derek Jeter Gatorade G2 commercial.  “My season begins as soon as the last one ends.”  Which, for Derek, has been after the first round of the playoffs lately.  Booyah!  Take that Yankee fans!

 

GoDaddy.com “Danica Patrick” commercial.  Danica Patrick doing something risqué online?  That website should be crashing any second now.

 

Dell “Ass Smacking” commercial.  Is that Mick Jagger singing in the background?  4 out of 5, but only because of Mick.

 

713

Steven Gostowski kicks the ball out of bounds on the next kickoff.  Bellichick’s not pleased.  He’s going to have him executed any second now.  If he had Doug Flutie still on the roster, I’m pretty sure Bellichick would have kicked Gostowski off the team just fort that.

 

714

Fed Ex “Carrier pigeon” commercial.  5 out of 5.  First home run commercial of the game!

 

Cars.com “Stone circle of death” commercial.  5 out of 5.  As the guys from SportsCenter would say—Back to back jacks!

 

Tide to go “Silence the stain” commercial.  4.5 out of 5.  Maybe they grouped all the good ones together or something.

 

715

Our first Gisele sighting!  Followed by a Jenny McCarthy sighting!  Then a Pam Anderson sighting!  America’s men rush to the bathroom to, uh, relieve themselves.

 

716

Great catch by Amani Toomer!  Someone on the Giants recently said that New York had better receivers than New England.  Of course that’s true—yes, they are better.  Mostly because they have to catch balls thrown over their heads by Eli Manning instead of catch balls that hit them in the chest in stride thrown by Tom Brady.

 

721

Delay of game penalty because Eli was dancing around and screaming.  Eli must have been watching game tape of his older brother and studying his “4 play changes at the line of scrimmage” gimmick.

 

722

And there it is, the first interception of the night.  Actually, it was an interception that wasn’t Eli’s fault—his receiver batted it into the air.  Something tells me that there went the Giants chances.  Nice run-back, too to set up good field position for the Pats.

 

Budweiser “Rocky” Clydesdale training spoof.  3.5 out of 5, mostly for sentimental reasons.  A Super Bowl without a Clydesdale commercial just wouldn’t be the same.

 

Iron Man promo.  The movie doesn’t look TOO bad, but it’s still too early to tell.

 

726

Fox statisticians show us that the Giants have had the ball for 13 out of 19 minutes so far.  Remember Super Bowl XXV when New York played the dynamic Buffalo Bills offense and slowed down the game, thereby frustrating their opponents?  Hmm…could history be repeating itself? 

 

727

Pats punting.  Funny, I would have bet $50 that New England’s punter wouldn’t have even stepped on the field if I were a richer man than I am.

 

Toyota Corolla “Sleeping Badgers” commercial.  4 out of 5.  I like it when cannons fire.

 

Leatherheads movie trailer.  The movie didn’t come out already and I’m saying “Eh, I can rent it.”  Not a good sign.

 

Garmin “Napoelon” commercial.  Funny, but not hysterical.  4 out of 5, and that’s only because as a short man who likes his Garmin GPS.

 

730

First Pats sack of Eli Manning.  The wheels, they’re showing signs of coming off.

 

731

An Amhad Bradshaw fumble, albeit recovered by the Giants.  Yup.  Wheels are coming off already...lucky break for New York, though.

 

732

Three and out.  THAT’S the Giants team we’re all used to watching...

 

733

We just learned that Giants punter Jeff Feagles is the oldest player to ever compete in a Super Bowl at the age of 41.  These are the things we need to know!  Seriously.  Makes you wonder what George Blanda is up to these days…

 

734

CareerBuilder.com “Follow Your Heart” commercial. 3 out of 5.  I just don’t think it’s funny.

 

LifeWater Animated “Thriller” commercial.  2.5 of 5.  Funny, but kind of creepy, too, especially when you consider that Michael Jackson is an accused child molester.  Is he who you want your company associated with during the Super Bowl, which was also irrevocably altered not too long ago by another member of the Jackson family?

 

736

Giants line finally got to Brady and sacked him.  The nation’s women hear the words “Getting Brady in the sack” and allow their minds to wander because they don’t recognize that a defensive struggle is exactly what makes this championship game great so far.

 

737

Brady sacked again!  And now the Pats punt.  He’s spending more time on his back than Pamela Anderson.  (Thank you, I’ll be here all night.)

 

GMC Yukon ink “Sisyphus” commercial.  3 out of 5.  A little too cerebral to play to a nation whose inhabitants are seven beers into the evening and feeling pretty good right about now.

 

Bud Light “Dating help” commercial with Carlos Mencia.  4 out of 5.  What’s not funny about people with accents?

 

738

These were the Giants’ last four plays--Interception, sack, fumble, incompletion.  Sounds about right.  No sooner was the stat on the screen than they broke the trend with a 10 yard first down run.

 

741

Tom Petty halftime show promo.  Do you think that a band whose second biggest hit is about weed maybe had to clear their setlist with the NFL before the game?

 

743

Giants drive continues, but in an unremarkable fashion.  Bang, bang, bang, then all of a sudden, they’re almost in the red zone.  Where did that come from?

 

744

Fumble, with an illegal batting of the ball penalty by Ahmad Bradshaw as he tries to get it out of bounds.  Giants retain possession, though, so maybe it was the right move.  Makes you wonder what the game would be like if the Giants didn’t seem to be near self-destruct mode.

 

746

Ball thrown by Manning should have been intercepted.  Oddly enough, I thought I would have typed that sentence more than I have already...

 

747

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian trailer.  Special effects and stuff.  Yipee.  It’s a movie for the kids, you know...La dee freakin dah.

 

Planters peanuts “Irresistable Ugly Girl” commercial.  3.75 of 5.  Probably would have liked it better if I hadn’t seen it online beforehand.  Why would you spend millions of dollars to air something in the Super Bowl if you’re going to leak it online?  Shock factor?  Gone.

 

T-Mobile Barkley and Wade “My Five” commercial.  4 out of 5.  Think about it, though.  How awesome would it be to have Charles Barkley on speed dial?  Gotta tell you, mundane calls would be extraordinary.  I’d call him for the stupidest of reasons and invite him everywhere I was going.

 

Pepsi Justin Timberlake “Every sip gets you closer” commercial.  Tony Romo and Adam Samberg cameos.  Eh.  4 out of 5, and only because it was funny watching Cowboys in a commercial during the Super Bowl instead of in the game itself.  Stupid Cowboys…

 

Doritos “giant Mouse costume” commercial.  4 out of 5.  Solid commercial runs so far, but only two standouts.

 

752

Patriots have had two three-and-outs since their touchdown and gained a total of -7 yards.  That’s very unlike the NFL’s most potent offense.  Maybe the Giants defense really IS that good…

 

Almost time for the Sobe LifeWater Halftime report!  It’ll be extra special!  I’m excited!

 

754

Patriots 3rd and 13 from inside their own 10.  Dante Stallworth converts for a first down.  No one is shocked by this.

 

756

Another 3rd and 13, another conversion by the Patriots, this time by Maroney.  Or so it seems, holding call brings it back 10 yards.

 

757

Stat on screen shows us that New England only has 48 yards in the first half so far, the second worst for this Super Bowl timeframe.  Brady’s QB rating is 58.5.  Could hubris be coming into play here?  Overconfident much?  The Pats are thanking God that Bill Bellichick is the greatest halftime adjustment coach in NFL history.

 

758

Patriots owner Robert Kraft shown in his box, with Kurt Russell.  Really?  His guest is Kurt Russell?  What, Dolph Lundgren wasn’t available?

 

759

With mintutes remaining in the first half, there’s the first catch for Randy Moss.  Maybe that’s why the Pats offense doesn’t seem in step.

 

800

Tom Brady has the ball knocked away and the Giants recover the fumble.  Justin Tuck is the man who hits his hand...how about that?  Amazingly, the referee doesn’t say the words “Tuck rule” and award the ball back to New England.  Okay, it took 7 years, but what goes around…

 

802

Manning throws it into the end zone and it falls incomplete as the half ends.  Thank God, now it’s time for the Sobe LifeWater Halftime show--the reason everyone’s watching the game.  And also, the obligatory stat shown as the players walk off the field says that Super Bowl teams leading at halftime have a record of 22-7.

 

807

Fox’s Kurt Menafee—“I don’t know what people were expecting, but we have a football game here!”  This is why I hate football announcers.  Seriously, why put breath behind that sentence?  With tens of millions of people watching, THAT’S the best you have?  Should have brought you’re a-game, Menafee.

 

809

NFL Network “Five months ago” commercial.  4 out of 5, even though it’s not a totally original concept anymore.  Wait.  Come to think of it, a 1 out of 5, but only because they made fun of the Bears.

 

811

Bridgestone Super Bowl halftime SHOW, not to be confused with the LifeWater halftime REPORT.  Tom Petty opens with “American Girl”, something that anyone could have predicted.  Fans run onto the field.  (Is that a Chad Pennington jersey I see?)

 

812

You’d think Petty and co would have gotten haircuts or something...TP in a beard, Mike Campbell in dreadlocks and the other guys…um…have seen better days.  Suddenly the nation wishes that high definition television wasn’t invented yet.  By the way, most of the people in the crowd on the field?  Weren’t born when this album came out in 1978.

 

“I Won’t Back Down”.  This was a solo Petty song...I’m surprised that the Heartbreakers are doing it...

 

So far, not bad.  By the way, it amazes me that they can build that stage on the field in that amount of time after the halftime whistle.  Tech guys don’t get nearly enough credit.

 

“Free Fallin”.  The crowd, choreographed, holds up little lights for a cliche cool effect.

 

There’s a cool cloth trippy circle on the field.  A small nation is needed to hold it up.  There must be at least 100 people spinning it around.  Petty is disguising the fact that he’s high right now really well...

 

“Runnin Down a Dream”.  THREE from Full Moon Fever?  Back to back to back?  Unforgivable.  Do they NOT HAVE MUSIC CONSULTANTS?  Radio program directors all over the country are wincing in pain, but the nation doesn’t seem to care about things like that.  Hmm…

 

All in all?  Not too shabby.  4 out of 5 for the performance.

 

Bunches of local commercials that still probably cost an arm and a leg.

 

(Slight TiVo potty and beer break.)

 

832

Tom Brady says that since Bellichick handles the discipline in the locker room, that allows him to back off his leadership role every once in a while and just be one of the guys.  Right...like Brady’s just one of the guys.

 

834

Already the Pats look like they’re handling the Giants blitz better.  Halftime adjustments are what win and lose games.  And with those extra few minutes Bellichick got because of an extended Tom Petty performance, this game might get skewed in one direction soon.

 

837

Wes Welker has got to be the Mugsy Bogues of the modern day NFL.  He’s not much taller than me, is he?

 

838

Steve Spagnuola is to the 2007-2008 Giants what Bill Bellichick was to the Giants of the 1990s.

 

839

Cars.com “Witch doctor Plan B”.  Funny, but not as funny as the first one.  4 out of 5.

 

Another SalesGenie.com commercial, this one with panda bears.  0.5 out of 5.  Sales weasels all over the country know what their duties on Monday morning will be.

 

Vitamin Water “Horse Race”.  Shaq as a horse jockey?  Now THAT’S comedy!  Especially when there’s a kid in the stands picking his nose.  4 out of 5.

 

841

Bellichick challenges a play and says that the Giants had 12 men on the field.  Let’s go to commercial to give them time to break it down.

 

Bud Light “Wheel Suck” commercial.  5 out of 5.  Another classic!

 

Ice Breakers gum Ice Cubes “Carmen Electra” commercial.  Ah, Carmen Electra.  Wonder what she looked like before 10 years of a hard-living partying lifestyle…?  3 out of 5.

 

Bridgestone “Swerve” commercial.  Richard Simmons AND Alice Cooper in the same commercial?  That deserves at least a 4 out of 5.  Would have been even higher had Richard Simmons actually gotten hit with the car.

 

CareerBuilder.com “Wishing won’t get you a better job.”  3.5 out of 5.  Slighty amusing.

 

At least Fox is breaking with tradition and not running the same exact Prison Break or House show promo 45 times during the course of the game, they’re mixing it up.  Maybe with the fact that they’re raking in cash hand over fist, the can afford to pay some promotion people some overtime.

 

845

New England challenge upheld, the Giants did indeed have 12 men on the field.  Brady gets another chance.  Something tells me that he’ll take advantage of it.  So far, he’s 12 of 19 for 119 yards.  Not Brady-like numbers, but there’s tons of time left.

 

848

3rd and 13 and the Patriots convert for a 1st.  Are we noticing a pattern?

 

By the way, thanks to the alert Fox statiscticians, with that throw, Tom Brady now has 85 Super Bowl completions, making him the all-time leader.  One more thing that he’ll have when he retires from this whole “football” thing.

 

850

Pats are going for it on 4th and 13?  Really?  Not a long field goal?  They’re not going for points in a close game?  They fail to convert and the Giants are getting the ball back at around the 30.  Gostowski’s muffed kickoff from the second quarter probably factored into that Bellichick decision.

 

851

“Pixar” Wall-E commercial.  Tom Hanks and Tim Allen voices used to tease the fact that the Toy Story franchise is coming back, too.  Never miss a trick those advertising guys...2 out of 5.

 

853

Manning and the Giants get the ball back.  I still think that the only thing more dangerous than the Patriots with a four point lead is a Patriots team losing by less than a touchdown.  If the Giants score, they’d better be ready to do it again.  Quickly.  And hope the defense holds.

 

857

What would have been the most amazing play in NFL history fails when the New England defense breaks up a bomb to Plaxico Burress in the end zone.

 

859

41 year old Jeff Feagles’ rheumatic leg puts the ball out of bounds at the 10.  Here come the Pats.

 

900

E-Trade “It’s so easy a baby could do it” spot.  Cutesy, but not funny.  1 out of 5.

 

Bud Light “Ability to Fly” commercial.  Fire-breather was better.  3.5 out of 5.  Am I getting bored or are these getting worse?  I can’t decide.

 

901

New England is backed up and the Giants are hammering the offensive line.  Pretty boy Brady had better wise up and be careful or he’ll be known for leading the best 18-1 team that didn’t win a championship the NFL has ever seen.

 

902

Wes Welker converts a first down.  Some things never change.  Patriots with some breathing room.

 

904

And just like that the Pats are at midfield.  MVP if the Pats win?  Wes Welker.  Either they don’t think he’s a threat or he’s the most underrated receiver in the world.

 

905

Brady’s just not having a good game.  Bad throws, miscues, etc.  Will the Patriots fans lash out at Gisele if the Giants end up winning this thing like Cowboys fans did to Jessica Simpson?

 

907

That’s the end of the third quarter - Patriots are winning 7-3.  This is not the game people expected.

 

NFL Network commercial about Houston Texans offensive lineman Chester Pitts.  Entertaining story.  How many oboe players do you know who can play in the NFL?  Exactly.  4 out of 5.

 

Pennsylvania Lottery commercial.  Gus, the second-most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania makes an appearance.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Gus really likes Elk Mountain, by the way...1 out of 5.

 

910

SunSilk “Hair through the ages” commercial.  Someone finally figured out that women watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, I see.  1 out of 5, but only because I don’t need to use shampoo.

 

Coca Cola “Stewie and Underdog at the Macy’s parade” commercial.  Great ending.  Good Grief.  4 out of 5.

 

Wow!  LL Cool J is at the game!  We need to know these things. 

 

912

Big play for the Giants.  Kevin Boss goes for 45 yards and the Giants have a spark.  Fox shows Peyton Manning rooting for the Giants.  Or is he rooting against the Patriots?

 

914

Giants convert a huge third down.  I feel a little uncomfortable.  I don’t know if I want to live in a world where Eli Manning is a Super Bowl winning quarterback.

 

917

HOLY SHIT!  THE GIANTS SCORE!  THE GIANTS ARE WINNING!  10-3.

 

Coke “James Carville Jinx” commercial.  Nicely done.  4.5 out of 5.

 

Toyota “Big Wheel racing” commercial.  Yawn.  1 out of 5.

 

920

You Don’t Mess With the Zohan movie commercial.  Adam Sandler managed to make a movie I have no interest in seeing...now there’s a shock.  Honestly, I liked this schtick better the first time I saw it…when it was called Borat.  0 out of 5.

 

921

Patriots start further back than they wanted to because of a holding penalty.  This just isn’t the offensive juggernaut that I was expecting to see.

 

922

Randy Moss effortlessly catches one for 17 yards. THAT’S the offensive juggernaut I was expecting.

 

923

Tick...tick...tick...Giants fans want nothing more than the clock to move at an accelerated rate from now until Tuesday.

 

924

Brady’s been on the ground more tonight than he’s been in the last three months of the season.  4 sacks, 10 hurries, and a shaken ego later, he looks human.  Pats punt.  Tick tick tick…

 

926

Gatorade “Man’s Best Friend” commercial.  Awesome.  5 of 5.  Who’d have thought that one of the most memorable commercials would be of a dog slobbering all over the place for 25 seconds?

 

927

Giants take control of the ball.

 

929

Three and out and they give it back again.

 

Bud Light “Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro” commercial.  Best line of the night?  “Bud Light.  Suck one.”  5 of 5.

 

Fox promo for “Moment of Truth” with Chad Johnson.  Amazing that a Cincinnati Bengal would be free to film commercials during the playoffs...funny that.  What happened to Ocho Cinco’s gold teeth?

 

932

Brady starts his Montana-esque comeback.  I just can’t shake the feeling that they’re going to regain the lead and win.

 

934

Another first down and the Pats are still moving...By the way, tom Brady’s never been involved in a Super Bowl where he wasn’t trailing in the 4th quarter.

 

936

5 minutes left and the Pats look like they’re finally starting to develop a rhythm.  It’s about time.  Welker makes a catch and is inside the 30.  No doubt about it, if the Pats win--he’s the MVP.

 

940

Brady had Moss wide open in the end zone and missed.  Something’s bothering him.  Tom Brady doesn’t make those mistakes.  Tick, tick, tick…

 

942

2:35 left in the game, 3rd and goal, the Patriots on the 7 yard line and I can already hear a John Facenda-like voice narrating this moment in an NFL Films documentary in the very near future.

 

943

Brady throws to Moss for a touchdown.  All of New England exhales.  14-10, New England.

 

944

Giants are look a little down, New England looks like they just got a treatment from Barry Bonds’ personal trainer.  This doesn’t look good for the guys from the Big Apple.  Eli Manning leading his team back to win the Super Bowl with about two minutes left?  I just can’t believe it can be done.  It’s Eli freakin Manning…

 

946

Two minute warning.  This is actually a really good, defensive game.

 

947

Victoria’s Secret “Let the Real Games Begin” commercial.  They tapped into what America was thinking...”I wonder if a hot brunette in lingerie will appear on my screen any time soon?”  5 out of 5.

 

948

Amp “Car Battery hooked up to Nipple” commercial.  Decent, but I’m exhausted.  4 of 5.  Let’s get back to the game, already...

 

949

Ben Roethlisberger does an American Idol commercial.  I think he’s seriously brain damaged after hitting that Chrysler without a helmet.  Stick to throwing footballs, Ben.

 

950

Giants get 9 7/8 yards when they needed 10.  Tom Coughlin decides to go for it on 4th down.

 

951

They make it!  Brandon Jacobs lunges forward to keep the Giants’ hopes alive.  Joe buck – “If you can’t make a first down with the game on the line, you really don’t deserve to be here.”  Thanks for passing judgment, Joe.  You’re the play-by-play guy.  Stick to telling us what down it is and what actually happens.  Keep the opinions to yourself.

 

952

Eli Manning fumbles the ball (expected) but then recovers (unexpected).  New York bookies drop a deuce in their shorts.

 

953

Eli throws what should have been a game-ending interception, but Asante Samuel can’t hang on.  1:15 left and the Giants remain alive.

 

954

ELI MANNING JUST MADE THE PLAY OF THE CENTURY!  How he stood up in the pocket and didn’t get sacked is amazing.  Tyree makes an incredible catch and the Giants, though they still need a touchdown, look like there’s a little spiritual help on their side.  Wellington Mara looking down, maybe?

 

956

Manning gets tackled for no gain, Giants take their last time out.

 

957

3rd and 11.  This is your ball game.  (Okay there’s another shot if they don’t make it, but let’s be realistic.  4th and 11?  Not gonna happen against these Patriots in my lifetime.)

 

958

Steve Smith catches one right on the first down marker.  This one’s gonna be close.  The New England Patriots won’t ever be in a lopsided Super Bowl?  (Oh wait, they were in Super Bowls against the Packers and…who was that team…?  Oh yeah, the ‘85 Bears.)

 

959

PLAXICO BURRESS!  GIANTS TOUCHDOWN!  HOLY $^%#$%^^%&%^ &$%$%@$ @#$!#$#%&%^ *%&!  35 SECONDS LEFT!  17-14 GIANTS!  I have to reevaluate everything I used to think I knew for sure.  Black is white.  Up is down.  The sun will rise in the west tomorrow, I’m sure of it.

 

1001

“The Final Countdown” plays right before the kickoff.  Ah, Europe.  Where are you guys now?  Is this the first step of a comeback?  (Not a Patriots comeback…I meant a comeback by Europe.)

 

1002

New England has 29 seconds and three timeouts to get a field goal or more, or else Gisele will move in with Eli Fekkin Manning.  Gostowski’s career long?  52 yards.  It can be done.

 

1003

Brady throws a Manning-esque duck.  Second down.  25 seconds left.

 

1004

BRADY GOES DOWN!  Third down at the 15!  19 seconds left.  This is incredible.  This is indescribable.

 

1005

10 seconds left after a Brady to Moss bomb was broke up.  4th down.  This, my friends, is your ball game.  Still breathing, but just barely.

 

1006

INCOMPLETE!  HOLY FLYING FUCKING GOD THE PERFECT SEASON IS NO MORE I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!  THIS ZS;KDJFLKJSZDBFJKSFBKJSBFK;JNASFKJNAS;KJFNV;LKSFNV;LSFNVS

 

(That was me banging my head against the keyboard in sheer disbelief)

 

I don’t know what else to say.  This needs time to sink in.

 

After a little reflection, the Giants clearly won the game.  The Patriots clearly lost.  Eli Manning, while not morphing into the second coming of Joe Montana, clearly helped his team win.  The Giants defense was incredible.  The Patriots lost out on their chance of “immortality” simply because (in my opinion) they expected the Giants to roll over and play dead.  Instead, they rose to the occasion and punched the Pats in the face.

 

Congratulations to both teams for a remarkable season.

 

One final thought...

 

Bill Bellichick’s “Win as a team, lose as a team” mantra won’t hold any credence in my mind anymore.  He walked off the field when his team still needed to run a play to make the game official.  That was probably the most childish thing I’ve seen.  Here’sa guy who doesn’t mind running ip the score on a Hall of Fame coach like Joe Gibbs but can’t stomach the thought of losing graciously.  He goes for it on 4th down all year with a comfortable lead but punts when he’s down by 4.  This, combined with the cheating allegations still all around him, takes him from the pedestal of greatest coaches of all time and puts him with the ranks of really good coaches.  You don’t win three Super Bowls without being good at your job...

 

...unless it comes out that you had videotapes of the other team’s practices, that is...

 

Congrats to the New York Football Giants, Super Bowl XLII champions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 28, 2007 - Christmas

 

 

 

I pride myself on the fact that I can get all my Christmas shopping done in two hours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 15, 2007 - Thoughts on the world of sports

 

 

 

I follow a lot of sports, sometimes closely and with accurate information. Here’s my two cents about five of the top stories of the week…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 2, 2007 - An Incomplete List of Foods I Dislike

 

 

 

 This morning in the studio, we were talking with Chef Kate, an exceptional (and exceptionally attractive) professional food preparer.  She was making fun of me because of the number of foods I don't like and challenged me to prepare an actual list of the foods I don't like.  Since, yes, I do have that much time on my hands, I actually did it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zucchini

 

Cumquats

 

Tangerines

 

Peaches

 

Sweet Potatoes

 

Beets

 

Most nuts, except peanuts and walnuts in dessert

 

Canteloupe

 

Watermelon

 

Creamed Corn

 

Kidney Beans

 

Brussel Sprouts

 

Black licoroce

 

Anything really spicy

 

Eggplant

 

Cranberries

 

Ginger Cilantro Chutney

 

Sauerkraut

 

Cabbage

 

Capers

 

Cajun spices

 

Mozzarella Sticks

 

Kiwi

 

Avocado/Guacamole

 

Jalapeno

 

Black Beans

 

Olives

 

Tea

 

Coffee

 

Skim Milk

 

Gingerbread

 

Coconut

 

Bugles

 

Reese's Pieces

 

Milk Duds

 

Cheesey popcorn

 

Salt & Vinegar Chips

 

Spanish Rice

 

Stuffed peppers

 

Grapes

 

Rhubarb

 

Rye bread

 

Overcooked Bacon

 

Marmite/Vegemite

 

Figs

 

Dates

 

Plums

 

Relish

 

Wax Beans

 

Pinto Beans

 

Lonza

 

Jerky

 

Mutton

 

Radishes

 

Rissoto

 

Veggie Burgers

 

Cooked carrots

 

Those tiny little corn cob things

 

Snow peas

 

Pineapple

 

Anchovies

 

Tofu

 

Lamb

 

Falafel

 

Hummus

 

Pesto

 

Tripe

 

Hard Boiled eggs

 

Most Chinese food (except Sesame Chicken, friend rice, eggrolls, wonton soup, and lo mein.)

 

Peeps

 

Fluff

 

Cereal with marshmallows

 

Most sugary candies

 

White Chocolate

 

Pumpernickel

 

Crab

 

Lobster

 

Fresh fish

 

Oysters

 

Clams

 

Calamari

 

Shrimp

 

Any kind of fish

 

Tomatoes

 

Pickles

 

Cucumbers

 

Squash

 

Spinach

 

Yogurt

 

Broccoli

 

Cauliflower

 

Lima Beans

 

Caviar

 

Artichokes

 

Asparagus

 

I seriously don't like any of the following foods:

 

By no means is this a complete list, and it is 100% true.  I didn't write down things like Monkey Brains because it's not a typical dish one might find in America.  I also didn't write down things that I will only eat in polite company, like blueberry pancakes.

 

BCS – Apparently, LSU and Oregon would be in the BCS National Championship game if the season ended today. Personally, I think that’s a travesty. With the continuing fall of the big college football programs and the rise of schools like North Dakota and Appalachain State, traditional powerhouses like USC and Florida are going to have to start doing things like stretching the NCAA recruiting rules in order to get the talent they need to stay competitive.

 

 

 

New York Knicks – Stephon Marbury quit the team for undisclosed reasons, only to return after missing one game. He must have realized that a grown man whose one and only marketable skill is throwing a ball through a hoop will probably make more playing basketball than shopping his resume around and seeing if anyone bites.

 

 

 

New York Yankees – Alex Rodriguez looks like he’s headed back to the Yankees. Why? Because he recently discovered Frank Sinatra and heard that, regarding New York, if you can make it there you’ll make it anywhere—so he figured why bother moving all his stuff.

 

 

 

Boston sports – The pride is back in Beantown. The Patriots are steamrolling all competition, the Red Sox just won their second World Series in four years, the Celtics started the new NBA season undefeated, the Boston College Eagles were ranked as high as #2 in the BCS standings, and even the Bruins showed occasional signs of life by being NEXT to last in their division. What do we owe this to? Personally, I think it has a lot to do with the Republicans. As part of their smoky back room agreements to gain control of the White House in 1988 and 2004, then-Vice President George H. W. Bush and President George W. Bush agreed to cede control of the sports world to the home state of Michael Dukakis and John Kerry at a later date in exchange for a higher electoral vote.

 

 

 

The Chicago Bears – It looks like Rex Grossman’s going to be our quarterback again after spending some time on the bench holding a clipboard and watching the Bears offense run plays without him. Really, it won’t be too much of a change for him. Grossman spent a lot of time when he was a starter on the bench holding clipboards and watching offenses run plays—the other team’s offense that is, after one of Grossman’s interceptions.

 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to start shopping for my Valentine…

 

 

 

Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. Joy to the world. Jingle Bells, Silver Bells, and Carol of the Bells to you all. And have a happy new year.

 

 

 

Have a tantric Christmas and the special feeling will last longer. If you don’t rush into Christmas then you won’t be sick of it by the time it actually comes. Best of all, you won’t see the concept of showing the important people in your life that you care as something “to get out of the way”. You’re more likely to guarantee a happy holiday for those important people if you put a little more effort into showing them how much you care the rest of the year and not just saving it up for Christmas.

 

 

 

The fact of the matter is that once you start extending the time you’re celebrating something special, you’re slowly but surely making it commonplace. You’re—by the definition of the words—transforming the special into something ordinary, thereby completely eliminating the special. 

 

 

 

For those of you thinking that I’m just being a Grinch, think about this—would you want Independence Day celebrated for 80 straight days with the constant barrage of fireworks for more than two months ahead of time? Of course not, it would drive the dogs and the elderly of the country insane. What about St. Patrick’s Day? Memorial Day? No? Then why don’t we take the same approach with Christmas?

 

 

 

I saw the first Christmas display up in the Edwardsville Kmart on October 6th. OCTOBER FEKKING 6TH! EIGHTY DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS! Phileas Fogg went around the entire world in that time. That’s almost an entire calendar season before Christmas Day and it’s unforgivable. Ever since I saw that, I swore never to shop at Kmart again. They’re not the only store, but they’re the first one I saw this year. I’m sure I’ll add another to the list next year, too.

 

 

 

You might be thinking that’s harsh. I disagree and here’s why—the time to start thinking about Christmas shouldn’t be decided by the people selling you your presents.

 

 

 

Secretly, I hope that all you people who finish shopping before December even rolls around end up buying gifts that aren’t relevant by the time the 25th comes. I hope that your loved ones grow or shrink three clothing sizes before Christmas Day. I hope your son/nephew/godchild/friend/boyfriend buys himself a Wii because he knew a guy who worked at Circuit City and got one put aside. Even better than that, I hope you forget where you hid the presents so that you have to join the mad scramble on Christmas Eve just to have SOMETHING to put under the tree. 

 

 

 

I know that some of you are sitting there reading this with a smug little “I’m already done with my shopping” smirk on your face, and frankly, you sicken me. People have tried to convince me that getting all your shopping “out of the way” is the best thing you can do to guarantee a happy holiday. Please. Spare me. 

 

 

 

The sad thing is that I needed to—the gift I bought is personalized and it’ll take a little longer to get to me so I HAD to start early. But it still felt wrong. It felt like I was cheating somehow.

 

 

 

And then I threw up in my mouth a little.

 

 

 

It all started innocently enough, with a quick browsing for new information about upcoming Bears games online. But before I knew it, I was in the NFL shop and typing my credit card information into those little boxes before clicking the box that says “Confirm Purchase and Send.” I looked at the calendar—November 28th. I didn’t even make it until December.

 

 

 

I planned to do the same thing this year, but for some reason, I won’t be able to make the same claim I have for every Christmas since 1997. Why not? Because I started shopping already. 

 

 

 

The way I figure it, it’s a great way to keep your list short and keep the gifts simple. Take care of the family first, then move on to the close friends and see where you are after that. If the family takes a while to cover, then the list of friends gets even shorter. For instance, last year, I bought presents for family and about six close friends. I didn’t “get a little something” for a few more dozen people that I could have, I just stayed true to the true meaning of Christmas—I got a little token of affection for my loved ones. My LOVED ones. I like a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean I feel the need to buy them things for fear that they won’t like me back. 

 

 

 

Last year, just like in years past, I woke up around 10am Christmas Eve, took a shower, ate some cereal, and got in the car. I didn’t get stressed out, I didn’t panic—I was at the Arena Hub Plaza and the Wyoming Valley Mall for about two hours and when I left, I didn’t have to go anywhere else. Completely done with all my shopping by 1pm, all there was left to do was wrap seven packages before midnight. 

 

 

 

 You read that right.

 

I hope the rest of 2008 isn’t as frustrating, but maybe it won’t be so bad if—after spinning my wheels and not going anywhere—I manage to get back on the right track. Even if I am still hung over from the night before.

 

 

 

A few minutes later, with the traction of fistfuls of gravel behind the wheels, we were able to get my car back on the road home.

 

 

 

The difference was that there was a patch on the side of the road without any snow. What was exposed, you ask? Gravel. I almost wept with joy.

 

 

 

Progress! 

 

 

 

It worked! By the time the 10 minute trip up the circle road ended, we had progressed exactly 15 feet further than our previous location. 

 

 

 

We called Mike. In my eyes, Mike’s Volvo looked sort of like a St. Bernard heading up the road towards up with a bag of kitty litter instead of a barrel of brandy. Pretty soon, we found out that the kitty litter wouldn’t give any traction. We turned the Jetta around, again, and headed back down the road in the hopes of picking up enough speed to get up the hill on the other side. 

 

 

 

We were following two other friends home and managed to get their attention. With Nancy driving, I thought that it would be a quick thing to fix—with Bren and I pushing and Nancy driving, we’d be free in no time. Pretty soon, it became apparent that my tires had no traction and neither Bren nor I could get a foothold on the road in order to push the car out of the gulch. 

 

 

 

Before too long, I found my car on an uphill climb on a very steep incline slipping and sliding. My lack of snow tires, front-wheel drive, lack of momentum, and the fact that when you spun your tires even once, the snow got transformed into solid ice all combined to put me in an impossible situation. I was stuck.

 

 

 

I was wrong.

 

 

 

During the night, it snowed more than a few inches, so when it came time to go, I looked back on my decision to buy a Volkswagen instead of a Hummer a few years ago and sighed with regret. After a few awkward minutes of rocking back and forth, I managed to get the Jetta pointed the right way, started down the driveway, and thought that the worst part about my trip home would be that I had to pee and forgot to take care of it before an hour car ride. I was giving my friend Nancy a ride home so at least the throbbing in my head would be soothed by a female voice. Or so I thought.

 

 

 

I was at a my friend Mike’s house for a party at the base of Elk Mountain when the reanimated corpse of Dick Clark counted backwards from 10 and Times Square erupted into a cheer equivalent to that of an average Lynyrd Skynyrd crowd when they leave the stage before Freebird. (We missed the actual countdown, but managed to celebrate the stroke of midnight after we pressed the rewind button on Mike’s TiVo. I love living with modern technology.) The rest of the night passed in a blur and when the ten of us awoke the next morning, we spent some quality time watching the Tournament of Roses parade and wondering exactly why it was seemed like such a good idea to try to make a drink called “Donkey Landed on an ‘O’” at 1am.

 

 

 

My 2008 started out the same way I metaphorically spent most of my 2007—hung over and trying to push a Volkswagen up a sheet of sheer ice with someone else behind the wheel and in charge of steering. 

 

 

 

January 5, 2008 – A New Year Begins…

 

 

 

 

 

I kept a Running Diary of the big game.  Read what was going through my head if you're not scared.

 

 

 

 

 

February 3, 2008 - Super Bowl XLII

 

 

 

 

 

That’s it. Have a great summer!

 

 

 

Maybe it’s just because it was one of the most incredible moments of my life , but to me, this is non-negotiable. Every year, I make it a point to make a trip to the beach to do the following: wake up early, put on some headphones, and walk on the cusp of the ocean while listening to a life-changing album. One year it was Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons”. The next year it was “Dark Side Of The Moon”. Maybe this year, it’ll be something like “Abbey Road” or “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”. Whatever you choose, just make sure that it’s an album you love.

 

Walk along the edge of a big body of water listening to a great album.

 

Finally…

 

 

 

Anything, really…as long as it’s something you want to do. The worst summer I ever had was the summer where one day was exactly like the one before and the one after. Even if you just do something like spend a long weekend out of town or spend a month painting the house—you can point to that and know that you did something cool. In September, if anyone asks you what you did this summer and you can’ think of even one interesting thing you did, hang your head in shame.

 

Do something.

 

 

 

What? Did DiRienzo just tell me to avoid air conditioning? Yes I did and here’s why: because it’s worse when you leave. A parable: every time someone who has spent more than a year in southern California spends some time in New England during fall, they’re bundled up like it’s the Artic circle even though the locals can often be found in shorts. Their internal thermometer is adjusted to southern California temperatures. Same thing with air conditioning. If you tell your body that “normal” is 65 degrees and then you step out onto a 90 degree sidewalk, you’re going to think that you’re in the mouth of a volcano. But if you DON’T use air conditioning, but just stay in the shade or use a fan or two, then you’re used to 80 degree temperatures and then the 90 degree heat is uncomfortable, but not unbearable.

 

Avoid air conditioning.

 

 

 

Ever since the days of the caveman, human beings have understood that the best way to listen to music is doing so while outside. The best part? Let’s just say that when it’s really hot outside, the female of our species has a tendency to cool off by removing the confines of a lot of outerwear...

 

Go to an outdoor concert.

 

 

 

Even though sometimes the hallucinations are cool, overall—dehydration sucks. Drink water whenever you think about it and make sure your body is properly lubricated.

 

Drink lots of water.

 

 

 

Easy enough to say, but when you work the hours I do, sometimes entire weeks go by where the only outdoor activity I get is the walk from the office to the car and the car to the apartment. Sunshine is good. Enjoy it.

 

Get outside.

 

 

 

But instead of looking ahead to the fall (football, Oktoberfest beers, hoodie weather) I’m going to concentrate on making the most out of summer. Here are some handy dandy tips to making sure that your summer is awesome:

 

 

 

Hard to believe, right? The year is almost half over already. Time is tick, tick, ticking away very quickly and although I’ve done more than I thought I would this year, I still have a number of things left to do on my list of “Things To Do Before 2009”. 

 

 

 

It’s summer already.

 

All in all, just a confusing song. Ridiculous. Simply ridiculous.

 

 

 

Then he repeats the asinine chorus.

 

 

 

(YOU’RE THE REGULAR CROWD AT THE BAR WHERE THE PIANO MAN PLAYS! HE’S THE PIANO MAN! IT’S NOT COMPLICATED! AND WHEN YOU SAW HIM SITTING AT THE BAR, YOU SHOULD HAVE SUSPECTED THAT SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING! Idiots.)

 

“…and say, ‘Man! What are you doing here?”

 

(They couldn’t bring any money? Oh, bread as slang for cash. Got it. My bad.)

 

“And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar…”

 

(Can a microphone work if you’ve dropped it in beer? I don’t think so. Maybe you just spilled some Budweiser on the handle and it’s dried out.)

 

“And the microphone smells like a beer!”

 

(Then tune it! It should sound like a piano, not a calliope.)

 

“And the piano sounds like a carnival!”

 

(Something tells me that the stoned businessmen know a little about memory loss. Maybe they should share some of the ganja and help everyone else out.)

 

“…to forget about life for a while.”

 

(Duh. They’ve been advertising the fact that you were there. Everyone should know, especially because they probably paid a cover charge on the way in the door. It’s not a secret.)

 

“Because he knows that it’s me they’ve been coming to see…”

 

(Of course the manager’s smiling—he’s raking in the money hand over fist. The bar is full, they’re all regulars, and if his bartender wasn’t giving away free drinks, he’d be in good shape.)

 

“It’s a pretty good crowd for a Saturday and the manager gives me a smile.”

 

 

 

(Fine. Let’s just move on.)

 

“Well we’re all in the mood for a melody and you’ve got us feeling alright.”

 

(Is that what the stoned businessmen are saying? Because that would make sense. Stoned people often repeat themselves.)

 

“Sing us a song, you’re the piano man. Sing us a song tonight.”

 

 

 

(Can anyone share a drink called ‘loneliness’? Shouldn’t it only be served to people who are by themselves? Besides…multiple businessmen sharing one drink? That’s a little gay.)

 

“…but it’s better than drinking alone.”

 

(Loneliness? That’s gin, tonic, and orange juice, right?)

 

“Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call ‘loneliness’…”

 

(Stoned? I thought the usage of marijuana was illegal in the United States. Hmm. Guess not.)

 

“…as the businessmen slowly get stoned.”

 

(Practicing? Is the waitress stumping for votes? Is she taking political surveys? Is she running for office? Is she executing a filibuster? How do you practice politics?)

 

“And the waitress is practicing politics…”

 

(Fuckin ‘Stop-Loss’ Programs. Ruining lives everywhere.)

 

“And he’s talking with Davey, who’s still in the Navy, and probably will be for life.”

 

(Maybe he’s have more time to date if he didn’t spend so much time in the bar.)

 

“…who never had time for a wife.”

 

(What exactly is a real estate novelist? A guy who writes books about selling property? A guy who sells houses and writes books for fun? And how do you know so much about him?)

 

“Now Paul is a real estate novelist…”

 

 

 

(We’re back to this? Stop it, Billy. Seriously.)

 

“Da da da de de da…da da de de da da da.”

 

 

 

(Really? What qualifies you to be a movie star? Have you done any acting before? Is that how you spend your days? Learning how to act?)

 

“Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star if I could get out of this place.”

 

(What’s killing you? Second-hand smoke? Alcohol poisoning? And smile, for God’s sake. No one likes a sad bartender.)

 

“He says, ‘Bill, I believe this is killing me,’ as the smile ran away from his face.”

 

(Every bartender has someplace else to be. No one sees tending bar as the last rung on the career ladder. Even the guy who’s got his name above the door considers himself “owner” rather than “bartender.”)

 

“And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke but there’s someplace that he’d rather be.”

 

(Now you’re talking! A bartender who hooks people up! Fantastic!)

 

“Now John at the bar is a friend of mine. He gets me my drinks for free.”

 

 

 

(So far, what has he done? Checked the time and had an old man ask him to “play a memory.” He’s got you feeling alright? Really?)

 

“Well we’re all in the mood for a melody and you’ve got us feeling alright.”

 

(Isn’t that what Piano Men do? Sing songs? Okay, well, not always. Sometimes they just play. But most of the ones who perform at piano bars sing, too.)

 

“Sing us a song, you’re the piano man. Sing us a song tonight.”

 

(Thanks, Billy. Remind me again why they consider you a good lyricist…?)

 

“Da da da de de da, da da de de da da da”

 

 

 

(Stop wearing polo shirts with the popped collar, gramps. And get your dick out of that glass! Someone else will use that when you’re done!)

 

“…but it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man’s clothes.”

 

(Thanks, creepy man. Sure, I can play a memory, I can play whatever memory you want. But if you don’t tell me what it is, I can’t help you.)

 

“He say, ‘Son, can you play me a memory? I’m not really sure how it goes…”

 

(An old guy with his junk in his drink? That doesn’t draw attention? How would YOU react if there was an old man at a bar with his penis in his gin and tonic? Exactly.)

 

“There’s an old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin.”

 

(If it is a regular crowd at a bar, then they would have been there since 11am on a Saturday.)

 

“It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in.”

 

 

 

I get irritated when I hear things that don’t make sense, as I’m sure you do, too. This morning, I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve heard “Piano Man” as many times, if not more, than anyone else on the planet. This morning, however, I actually listened to it. I listened to it. Here’s what I thought:

 

Thoughts From The Dome
 
 
An Obama Presidency.
Forget about the politics—wouldn’t you want to live in the White House? A staff of 80 at your beck and call, the entire second floor of a 200 year old mansion to yourself, a private world class gourmet chef on call 24 hours a day, a bowling alley, swimming pool, private grounds, and armed guards who won’t let anyone even remotely dangerous within 100 feet of you.
 
It’s like living in the Corleone compound, only with Protestants instead of Catholics. 
 
 
The BCS.
With Penn State’s loss to Iowa, the BCS Championship game is looking like it might be a matchup between Texas Tech vs. Alabama. Personally, I hope Alabama wins the whole thing. It’s the best season they’ve had since Forrest Gump was running back kicks.
 
 
Thanksgiving.
This is the first year that I might be having thanksgiving without my brother, since he’s a newlywed and might be spending some quality holiday time with the other in laws. It’s not a bad thing, per se, but I’m wondering who’s going to do the dishes while I watch football.